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snake - rants and rambles
i feel like a wounded snake or other generally hated poisonous thing. wounded because it really fucking hurts. hated because i deserve it.

it's august 15, a year ago i was lying to my daughter. i had told my son on august 14, the day it happened, because i had too. they had told me at work. the police had come. i had collapsed outside the building. they were worried about my driving home. i don't remember the drive. i told my son. i knew that was the right thing to do. it was. he saw me come in the door. i had no words beyond some sound. what was it? i don't know, but telling him the truth of what i did know, was the only right thing i did in all of this.

tomorrow is the anniversary of when i finally had information from the police and could formulate something to tell her. and i told her that her father was dead. i implied it was an overdose. and this is when i made the mistake of advocating cremation. i made so many mistakes, so fucking many... this one i cannot stand. i can't stand any of them, but this one is pretty bad.

the 19th they took his body and burned it. the 20th, i learned it wasn't a gun to the head. it was to the chest. we could have had a real funeral. oh my fucking god. oh my fucking god. oh my fucking god.



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From: ndmzero Date: August 15th, 2009 08:43 pm (UTC) (Link)

my Condolences

I'm so sorry for your pain.

alessiana From: alessiana Date: August 15th, 2009 10:14 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: my Condolences


Thank you. Really and truly,

Thank you

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