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duo decka - rants and rambles
alessiana
alessiana
duo decka
maybe it was lost in the in between
the email, wretched wracking painful crying for help bleeding a plea for understanding
one soul to another
understanding
of one kind or another

and its answer
i bleed i cry i plead to others watching their empty hands bear gifts of nothing
and listening to nonsensical statements of
it will get better time is a healer we all grow from suffering god is our healer it will all go away when all it is are lies and lies more lies and lies
as i drive my car i can feel nothing but the emptiness of sky all around and knowing he's not here
he is 25000 miles high when i look up in the sky
yes i remember you i will always remember you yes always you

and yes i know what it's like to talk
and see the non-comprehension of people as they stutter-step to keep up
simple minds dragging simple thoughts
and limping lines that squiggle on white boards in the language of stupid
but baby this be the business world baby
and baby they be men baby
so baby she be crazy bitch baby just crazy laughing
but they can't follow those leaps in logic
they can only follow the linear line
  of stupid people doing stupid thinking
that's the best that they can do
  my heart breaks for them anyway
they may be stupid fucks but its all they know

god help me

i wrote you back

i got nothing

so i'm thinking i'm just as stupid as stupid fucks in their linear suits wearing squiggle ties only me i'm the one leaping logic but not in the right dimension cos i can't think in 13 base maths and i can't think in 20 layers the paths between ain't leaps of logic they be creation

i'm the ant on the line in your world i'm not even the fucking suit because at least they ain't aware the ant she knows she's flat in the duo-deca universe of you

flat me i got nothing. 

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16 spoke or Talk to me
Comments
From: julesraven Date: December 4th, 2010 02:06 pm (UTC) (Link)

Very sad :(

anon_j_anon From: anon_j_anon Date: December 4th, 2010 04:25 pm (UTC) (Link)
kindred
if this is me (holy fuck if this is me what kind of egoist am I look the world revolves around me me me me)
I wrote you in such fucking desperation and
and and and
I got nothing
Did you write me?
Did you write me?
I waited and waited and waited and checked my email and messages
like a freak, waiting waiting waiting for an answer
nothing
you disappeared and I was so fucking crushed
told myself I said too much told myself you saw me too young
told myself you must have your reasons
Did you write me?
Because if this is some sort of great cosmic joke and it's because fucking livejournal didn't see fit to deliver the message
I missed you so much and I told myself I told myself
I'm very good at making myself not want things
I told myself not to want and it hurt so bad, thinking I'd lost you
I thought I think I look for you often, wonder often
kindred if you wrote to me-- I'm sorry
I waited and waited and never thought to ask you again (the burned hand teaches best and I thought my hand was burned)
kindred if you wrote me-- forgive me
I want you back
I think of you often and miss your poetry so much
you were-- are-- the wind of my cyberworld, words destroying in rhythm and cutting through rap
I told myself to be content to live in a placid airless place
you posted. you commented. I'm not content to live in windless world anymore
I want storms and hurricanes and tornadoes and windmills (your poetry. fuck, your poetry)
please
if this is me
if you wrote me
...

kindred
alessiana From: alessiana Date: December 4th, 2010 05:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
she looks looks and looks- what is it the greatest question ever
why did the color change ?
but she don't ask how it could even be that colors make sense in the flat world of the line
all she know the color change how it be she can see color she can't understand but looking she see color real
and even so stupid she know something make color the world it ain't just a flat line
something make color something changes elements of the line to reflect on facets in the eye
so beautiful she think she will sit here always

kindred, I don’t know what happened. I think now maybe I hit reply in email NOT in LJ messaging so stupid so fucking stupid. And I was wondering for months how stupid I am my answers pathetic not consoling at all all they did was hurt instead
and I watched. I watched read in wonder, hurt, tell no one shhhh no one shhhh too stupid. Write to others about works not have as gorgeous nor half as wondrous or half as fucking true as you

I’m so sorry I took so long to be less stupid maybe it was 3:30 am and I could stop crying reading words I so understood as the depiction of my own dilemmas but I don’t even see you as someone I would want to do anything like compete or anything other than brush minds and celebrate and bounce back and watch you bouncing

kindred I could do that forever if you let me

===========================
rap rap rap
rap silences the dead poets in my head
imagine that
Shakespeare taken down capped by eminem and kanye
maybe i am free if i can only open up my brain and let them in
===========================

i didn't know you saw me at all anymore

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anon_j_anon From: anon_j_anon Date: December 4th, 2010 06:02 pm (UTC) (Link)
i couldn't not see you
how could I not see you
bitch you left me you left me with MONTHS
of silence and I kept I kept I kept waiting
two summers burning in my mind
those fucking two summers still incomplete and I have no will to complete them, not now at this present moment in between here and there and linear and colors, but how could I not see you
dedication. DEDICATION i do not take lightly
i remember you posted something-- once
I remember clearly and I wondered if I should comment
wondered raged debated and yes, yes, yes, i-we cultivate
online personas so carefully
i didn't say anything i didn't dare show that i missed you
(there are reasons for the front, cultivated like a careful horticultural experiment from reality, the physical world,
there was a time when I could stop tears in their tracks. in their tracks. stop them. say to myself stop. feel my eyes water and say STOP and then my eyes were so dry I couldn't cry even if I wanted to)
kindred
oh kindred
I've been abandoned more times than I can tell you
wonderful, transcendental friendships out there, between bodies and faces and rich voices thick with thoughts as fat as gravy
abandoned, broken, and I was left with fragments, asking
what went wrong, why, what did I do, why does this always happen
kindred I've been told one too many times that I'm too intense
and you were my kindred because you're too intense too
but I felt abandoned so I didn't reach out (hand burned)
i couldn't help but see you
but I've been abandoned before, and patterns lead to resignation. when did i become so pathetic
kindred I've been listening to tupac and I think of you
I think of you, and I think of two summers, and I think of rap, and music, and rhyme, and why the world keeps turning in circles
kindred, your words are fucking burned into me and you thought I could forget you?
you thought I couldn't see you?
you're too intense to not be seen
you're like a fucking strobe light and I stare until the darkness inverts to light and my corneas retinas cones and rods and irises somersault into night-day moon-sun monsoon ekileptic eklipse and I might be blind after touching you but I will never forget
your words of self destructive purgatory are some of the rawest most powerful pieces of shredded glass I've ever read
so fuck you. fuck your silence MONTHS
yeah I missed you this bad.
you thought I couldn't see you and it's not your fault, none of this is your fault even though I'm screaming at you
I'm screaming at you because because
as sick and twisted as this sounds, you see me
I can scream at you and you'll scream back
I can scream at you and you'll scream back
I scream into the internet, this great wide cyberspace and I'm met with silence, a windless airless breathless place
I scream at you and you scream back
dedication. I dedicated it to you and I do not take dedications lightly.
i see you. listen to the rap and find the flowing truth
truth flowing in dark blood
color from blood to red to rust to brown to beige to blot
how does something so full of life, flowing with truth and blood
turn into red and rust and brown and beige and blot
how does it
and in our memories we forget the intensity of color
everything turns yellow or beige or grey or blot
monochrome and linear
kindred, oh kindred
I couldn't not see you
I'm screaming at you, can you hear?
I couldn't not see you
anon_j_anon From: anon_j_anon Date: December 4th, 2010 06:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
Destruction


Anger


Flow
alessiana From: alessiana Date: December 4th, 2010 07:52 pm (UTC) (Link)
destruction/anger/flow
Thank you for all these. I am listening.

.
alessiana From: alessiana Date: December 4th, 2010 07:07 pm (UTC) (Link)
but don't you see my self perception is the snake, this not born of one shotgun, it's born of childhood self hatred
of course you couldn't see me, to me. i couldn't understand it from the first.

i'm the broken puppet
i'm the snake
i'm the ugly most disgusting in stolen words
and phrases disjointed floppy patterns rooted in a rotted mind who could stand such a thing?

how you see me, how others say they see me, how my family sees me, this i do not understand at all

so when not replied i shut up. i expect this but i find i bring it about as a self fulfilling prophesy i force others to dislike me as reflex because they surely must hate me and see into me where i am the great ugly

the one who understand this most, is julesraven.

: (

shit i cry and won't be getting no eggnog

.
anon_j_anon From: anon_j_anon Date: December 5th, 2010 01:44 am (UTC) (Link)
it's true i don't see
can't see blinded by strobes
the dentist's light shining on my teeth
maybe i never saw from the outset
they give you sunglasses when you sit in the swivly chair

i don't see
and i couldn't see
but i am thankful that you have julesraven
that you have her, for I failed
alessiana From: alessiana Date: December 5th, 2010 05:26 pm (UTC) (Link)
You did not fail me, we failed each other. It's very obvious now, that our neurosis have the potential to sync up in a way that will lead us both to silence.

I will shut down. I will shut out. I will curl into a ball and rock myself because the inner part of me is damaged BUT I am not unusual. It am not special in having this affliction. Being too sensitive to the world makes me cry at nothing, become incapacitated during disasters and make the wrong decisions, write overwrought poetry on music, feelings, death, love, sex and the process of getting the words out...

And It makes me a pain in the fucking ass. People have to deal with my depressive disorders or abandon me for their own sanity. But know this, my issues aren't caused by the actions of others. I react as I do because I was born this way.

My relationship with you has brought me great joy. Another person, who is usually silent here, knows how distraught I have been for 40 weeks prior to writing duo-decka. Her question to me has always been, "why don't you REACH out. You are so upset. Why don't you do this?"

I was afraid. Like you, afraid of being hurt. You'd sent, I'd sent, something happened.

We're like A Poets Affair To Remember: The Exclusive LiveJournal drama. Tune in to see which poet you want to slap harder for being a moron.

HAVESEXALREADY the audience cries!


I want to scream for JOY. That's what I really want to do.

I'm sorry I hurt you. I just want to take your hand again. You said you wanted me back. You have me. I will try to be more temperate with the blades of my windmill and not cut you to pieces with guilt. I would rather carry us away, on what would no doubt be a rather artless attempt to engender joy, but there you have it.

I know you need only turn a phrase to incite my imagination to wordfull wanderings. You inspire me. I will be grateful to the end of my days for this gift you have that affects me so.

Thank you for taking me back into the duo-decka world of you. I can see beyond the flat line now. I know color has a source... it truly does.

.
anon_j_anon From: anon_j_anon Date: December 5th, 2010 08:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
I was thinking the same thing- A Poets Affair To Remember
god, I'm so happy (words and words and words! yours and mine together in rhythm beat rap
god I love your rap and the beat you carry in your head)
((do you know, I have friends and acquaintances who are good to me, but there's always a but) INSPIRATION) so hard to come by
it's like chemistry, but better
creation not of sex and babies, but of words that are just as temporal but still more eternal
thank you for being what I didn't have the guts for
a duo-decka world needs a duo
alessiana From: alessiana Date: December 4th, 2010 07:10 pm (UTC) (Link)
you sound like most beloveds
best beloveds
when i do this thing
i didn't know i did it to you too
i thought you did it to me

fuck me

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anon_j_anon From: anon_j_anon Date: December 5th, 2010 01:49 am (UTC) (Link)
forgive me my rage
faults, how thoughtless and foolish I have been
my stolen words and hollow thoughts

i'm selfish, and the only thing i can think is
so glad to hear your voice again
alessiana From: alessiana Date: December 5th, 2010 05:41 pm (UTC) (Link)
Yes.

I am very glad to hear yours. God, .... I am so grateful for typing blindly past tears in notepad and then posting. Trust me, I never ever expected you'd see it.

Wow. But you did. Wow. And you knew EXACTLY what it was about. Holy fuck. And you understood.

We are good.

Do you want me to lock this down to only us? Let me know and it shall be done. Thy will be done. I am fine with my public nudity. I had once frequently written in a journal long gone to the tech crash (my god all that work gone!!), that my words were mental masturbation, that i had to read them over and over, in love with them, but that this masturbation only worked in public and in the nude. It's an odd form of self obsession. I think we understand each other a little on this
yes
i think so.
it's a kind of insanity

on the other hand, having a safe place to communicate has its own merits. it's safer than emails. you can't miss it.

you tell me. i can create a thread just for us separate from this. if we write something in it we want to pull out and make public we can. It can be a place to bounce if you wish. I dunno.

I'm just so happy

.

edited for period control. WHAT? yes. period control . .

Edited at 2010-12-05 05:42 pm (UTC)
anon_j_anon From: anon_j_anon Date: December 5th, 2010 08:37 pm (UTC) (Link)
you know, for some reason, as intimate as this thread is-- I never thought of locking it down. as though this should be out in the open, let them be voyeurs, I don't care. I used to be so afraid of people seeing my mental masturbation, but it seems I've gotten addicted to it now. you're perfect. it works only in public, nude.
let's not make it separate, for now. we can change it whenever we wants. i used to not know how people could find public exposure hot. I think I get it (a little little) now
From: julesraven Date: December 4th, 2010 07:27 pm (UTC) (Link)

Sad....
I commented before. Where did it go?

alessiana From: alessiana Date: December 4th, 2010 07:37 pm (UTC) (Link)
i touched nothing

and i think this thread will never be touched. a lesson to self never to be forgotten.

as quilt wrecked as we both are, maybe we understand that this was a mistake of two powets and we won't do it again.

not to each other

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16 spoke or Talk to me